Chronos Academy
0001 hours
The sign on the wall read Quarantine. No visitors allowed; still, Shama Katooee sensed a presence, people watching her. She could hear voices, so faint they sounded like thoughts, chattering away in her head. So faraway, they could be colonists on Venus.
She lay on the clinic bed, her long hair flowing at her sides. Her injury had its own name; Medtech Meez called it a concussion.
She cracked one eye.
The light from the moons fell through the glass ceiling and cast uneven shadows on the floor in the hallway. Her watchers stood around the corner, just out of sight.
As Shama struggled to wake, red, green, and pink flashed in her head, the colors of her pet bird, little Deenay. Then, she felt a tingle that swelled into a gentle vibration.
Outside the glass Quarantine partition, a woman rounded the corner.
Through half-closed lids, Shama recognized medtech Meez. Her face, a round soft pillow with a bump for a nose, looked unhappy. Her red hair stuck out like frayed fringe.
Shama started to reach for the pain-med button, but her hand, too weak, fell back on the bed. My head aches, she thought.
“I think she’s awake,” Meez’s voice echoed out of the Earbone Speakers embedded in the headboard of Shama’s bed.
Taking a step forward, a man joined Meez. Lieutenant Bazel stood stooped, and his pocked face smoldered with a fierce intensity. His cap tilted off the side of his head; its three stars glittered. “She looks asleep to me.”
Even stuck in this clinic, Shama wanted to please him, this man who had believed in her, had seen something special in her, and had invited her to leave her life in LowCity to attend the Academy. Even if he had sent her to a disaster site. Even if she had gotten a concussion there. She struggled to speak. “My head aches.”
Meez cast an I told you so glance at the Lieutenant, then looked at the communicator ionized to her wrist. “I’ll send you a mini-dose,” she told Shama.
A green light on the MedNow machine blinked, and Shama felt the icy cold medicine start to travel through her veins. Icy cold like the glass walls of the Zone. Like her insides while she Traveled.
“What happened?” Shama asked.
“She remembers her trip back,” Meez told Bazel. “But nothing about the Twin Towers.”
“I’ve read the reports,” Bazel snapped. “The medical team believes the concussion, not the Travel, caused her memory loss.”
“Oh,” medtech Meez said, lowered her eyes.
Shama remembered the most important thing. The thing that made her want to stay awake. “My bird,” she mumbled.
“She’s been asking about her pet,” Meez told Bazel.
Bazel moved closer to the wall. “Can you hear me, Cadet Katooee?”
Shama managed a nod.
“I’m sorry to tell you,” Bazel said. When he spoke again, his voice was somber, “Your pet died, Cadet Katooee.”
As a groan escaped her lips, Shama felt a memory stir of an explosion. Concrete tumbled down around her and then a beam fell. She had felt a sharp knock on her head.
As if he were talking to himself, Bazel added, “Her trip back proved that we Time Changers are right. Human beings can Travel without harming themselves or Time.”
“But who is she?” Meez said.
“Just a girl,” Bazel answered.
Before sleep wrestled Shama to the ground, a thought that wasn’t her own slithered through the back door of her mind… that I need to keep out of sight for a while.
Her eyes were brown, the same nutty color as her skin. Her hair was an unnatural red, like watermelon on hypersteriods. Her freckles in their messy clover pattern stretched across her fat cheek.
Beep. Beep.
The test finished at last, Shama lifted her finger.
A nasal voice sounded inside her head. Without thinking, Shama repeated what she heard, “Lordy. Lordy. Relieve me of this abomination.”
Meez’s face flushed, then turned redder until her skin was as red as her hair and her freckles had all disappeared. “How did you do that?” she finally spoke up.
“Do what?”
“Read my thoughts,” Meez accused her.
Shama shook her head. “I don’t know.”
I think the semicolon in the Quarantine sign after No Visitors Allowed should be changed to a period and capitalize the S in still.
Thanks for your comment, Kendrick. What school do you go to, so I can list your name in the back of the book?
Best, andrea
Sounds good! I’ll start reading the rest soon!
I think tehre should be a colon after “in her head” here though:
As Shama struggled to wake, red, green, and pink flashed in her head, the colors of her pet bird, little Deenay. Then, she felt a tingle that swelled into a gentle vibration.
Thank you for your comment Zaakir. Keep reading!!! andrea
In the second paragraph/section, the name Medtech Meez is capitalized because it is someones name, but in the sixth section the word medtech is not capitalized but it should be capitalized.
You got a typo all right. thank you!! Have a great day, Will. andrea
“But who is she?” Meez said.
There should be a comma after the ” which is after the question mark in the twenty-seventh paragraph.
“But who is she?” Meez said.
There should be a comma after the ” and before Meez in the twenty-seventh paragraph.
Thanks Lucas for your sharp eye! Enjoy this beautiful day.
andrea
In paragraph 17 Meztech isn’t capitalized in Meztech Meez. In paragraph 2 Meztech is capitalized so one of them is wrong.
Hello Andrea! I have a question. Why do the characters have such unusual names like Shama Katooe and Meez? Thanks!
It’s set in the future and I was trying to think of unusual names. Thanks Bella. Keep reading. andrea
Farther into the book will you ever explain why her eye cracked
I am not sure I understand your comment. But thanks for taking the time to post. Read on! andrea
I was wondering the same thing as you did but then I found out that when she said her “eye cracked” she meant that her eye cracked open like when you just woke up and you cant really fully open your eyes.
That’s exactly right. But I think you are correct. The way it is written is unclear and confusing. You do not have a “cracked eye;” you have a good eye for catching details. Thank you for the help! andrea
I think that
“Before sleep wrestled Shama to the ground, a thought that wasn’t her own slithered through the back door of her mind… that I need to keep out of sight for a while.”
would be more fluent if you take out that after the three periods and put in in quotes:
Before sleep wrestled Shama to the ground, a thought that wasn’t her own slithered through the back door of her mind… “I need to keep out of sight for a while.”
I don’t know Bonita. Do you put thoughts in quotes? I thought you only quoted stuff that a character said out loud.
Thanks for the suggestion. Will consider! All the best and have a great evening! andrea
Thank you mrs. White
This book is great so far.
Thank you for the encouragement. It means alot! Andrea
This book sounds interesting so far, but I have a suggestion. In paragraph 3, where it says, “She cracked one eye,” it doesn’t really make sense because it sounds like she literally cracked her eye. Maybe if you could put something like, “She cracked one eye open.” That would be great!
I agree! Stephanie, good catch. This will definitely go into the book. Thanks for reading it so closely. All the best and have a great evening.
andrea
I’m glad to help with your book.
Also, if you agree,
“I’m sorry to tell you,” Bazel said. When he spoke again, his voice was somber, “Your pet died, Cadet Katooee.”
I think you could replace the comma with a period after “somber” to improve some of the flow.
Thank you again Stephanie! You’re right! Have a great evening! andrea
Thank you, Stephanie! Great suggestion.
On paragraph three i got confused when you said she cracked her eye. it took me a while to understand you meant open. maybe you could change it to “her eye cracked open” or just scratch the word “crack” and use another one. i think that would make the sentence less confusing.
i just realized the person above me put the same thing -_-
please respond my teacher is taking a grade on this
on paragraph three i didn’t get why you said “she cracked her eye” it confusing me alot and i’m still confused. i guess you were trying to say “she cracked her eye open” but i’m not sure. you could fix that to not confuse the readers.
It will be she cracked her eye open. I don’t think it will confuse people if I add the word open. Thank you for your comment Ali! Have a great day. andrea
in the seventh paragraph, Medtech isn’t capotilized
Good eye. Thank you very much for the help. Keep reading! andrea
in the thirteenth paragraph ithink it should be Mednow instead of MeadNow
Perfect. Good catch Matthew. Thank you for the help! andrea
i think that the book so far is really nice and i will read that rest of it for sure!
“As a groan escaped her lips, Shama felt a memory stir of an explosion. Concrete tumbled down around her and then a beam fell. She had felt a sharp knock on her head.”
I think that you should add a semi colon that is in between explosion and concrete so it would flow better.
Or you could add a comma where the period between explosion and concrete is. Then put “as” after it so that it would be one complete sentence
Thanks Jeff. I am going to play out the book and see what you mean. I really appreciate the help. Keep up the good work and have a great evening! andrea
I noticed a comma missing after ceiling and before the word and in capter one sentence six.
I also think that the book is really interesting and i think i might have seen another error or two but could not stop reading to mark them.
Yours is my favorite comment, ever, ever! Thank you! Happy reading, andrea
“She cracked one eye.”
I almost thought that she literally cracked an eye here, so I had to reread it again. Perhaps you could insert a ‘open’, so it would be ‘She cracked open one eye’?
Thanks Angela. Good catch. Have a great evening and keep reading! andrea
The sign on the wall read Quarantine. No visitors allowed; still, Shama Katooee sensed a presence, people watching her.
hi my name is Justin brewer from Mrs Goulets ELA class at First Colony Middle School Hi Ms white first of all i want to say i like your book and that it was very interesting but, shouldn’t their not be a comma after Prensence
I am not 100% sure Justin, but sometimes you are supposed to set off clauses with commas to keep them from being confusing. I will take another look at the sentence and see what I think. I really appreciate your time and your thoughts. I hope you are reading lots of good books. Reading is so important to your school and to life. Have a great weekend! Andrea
Good Afternoon Mrs.White,
My name is Bianca and I am a student at First Colony Middle School. As part of our dystopian fiction unit, we are required to contact you about your recent book Time Angel. Below I have attached chapter one with some grammatical corrections I believe could improve the chapter.
- Bianca
Chronos Academy
0001 hours
The sign on the wall read Quarantine. No visitors allowed; still, Shama Katooee sensed a presence, people watching her. She could hear voices, so faint they sounded like thoughts, chattering away in her head. So faraway, they could be colonists on Venus.
She lay on the clinic bed, her long hair flowing at her sides. Her injury had its own name; Medtech Meez called it a “concussion”.
She cracked one eye.
The light from the moons fell through the glass ceiling and cast uneven shadows on the floor in the hallway. Her watchers stood around the corner, just out of sight.
As Shama struggled to wake, red, green, and pink flashed in her head, the colors of her pet bird, little Deenay. Then, she felt a tingle that swelled into a gentle vibration.
Outside the glass Quarantine partition, a woman rounded the corner.
Through half-closed lids, Shama recognized Medtech Meez. Her face, a round soft pillow with a bump for a nose, looked unhappy. Her red hair stuck out like frayed fringe.
Shama started to reach for the pain-med button, but her hand, too weak, fell back on the bed. “My head aches,” she thought.
“I think she’s awake,” Meez’s voice echoed out of the earbone speakers embedded in the headboard of Shama’s bed.
Taking a step forward, a man joined Meez. Lieutenant Bazel stood stooped, and his pocked face smoldered with a fierce intensity. His cap tilted off the side of his head; its three stars glittered. “She looks asleep to me.”
Even stuck in this clinic, Shama wanted to please him, this man who had believed in her, had seen something special in her, and had invited her to leave her life in LowCity to attend the Academy. Even if he had sent her to a disaster site. Even if she had gotten a concussion there. She struggled to speak. “My head aches.”
Meez cast an I told you so glance at the Lieutenant, then looked at the communicator ionized to her wrist. “I’ll send you a mini-dose,” she told Shama.
A green light on the MedNow machine blinked, and Shama felt the icy cold medicine start to travel through her veins. Icy cold like the glass walls of the Zone. Like her insides while she traveled.
“What happened?” Shama asked.
“She remembers her trip back,” Meez told Bazel. “But nothing about the Twin Towers.”
“I’ve read the reports,” Bazel snapped. “The medical team believes the concussion, not the Travel, caused her memory loss.”
“Oh,” Medtech Meez said, lowered her eyes.
Shama remembered the most important thing, the thing that made her want to stay awake. “My bird,” she mumbled.
“She’s been asking about her pet,” Meez told Bazel.
Bazel moved closer to the wall. “Can you hear me, Cadet Katooee?”
Shama managed a nod.
“I’m sorry to tell you,” Bazel said. When he spoke again, his voice was somber, “Your pet died, Cadet Katooee.”
As a groan escaped her lips, Shama felt a memory stir of an explosion. Concrete tumbled down around her and then a beam fell. She had felt a sharp knock on her head.
As if he were talking to himself, Bazel added, “Her trip back proved that we Time Changers are right. Human beings can Travel without harming themselves or Time.”
“But who is she?” Meez said.
“Just a girl,” Bazel answered.
Before sleep wrestled Shama to the ground, a thought that wasn’t her own slithered through the back door of her mind… that I need to keep out of sight for a while.
Her eyes were brown, the same nutty color as her skin. Her hair was an unnatural red, like watermelon on steriods. Her freckles in their messy clover pattern stretched across her fat cheek.
Beep. Beep.
The test finished at last, Shama lifted her finger.
A nasal voice sounded inside her head. Without thinking, Shama repeated what she heard, “Lordy. Lordy. Relieve me of this abomination.”
Meez’s face flushed, then turned redder until her skin was as red as her hair and her freckles had all disappeared. “How did you do that?” she finally spoke up.
“Do what?”
“Read my thoughts,” Meez accused her.
Shama shook her head. “I don’t know.”
WOW!!! Thank you so much for all the hard work. You are the only one who has made the corrections for me. Really appreciate your help. Have a great day, study hard and keep reading. Andrea
Hallie Wilson 23hallie@gmail.com
Nov 14 (2 days ago)
to andrea
Dear Mrs.White,
Hello I am a student at FCMS. Right now we are working on a dystopian fiction unit. As a part of our unit we are to make contact with purpose to you. My name is Hallie and I loved your hook in chapter 1. You used very well figurative language in the sentence “so faint they sounded like thoughts, chattering away in her head. So faraway, they could be colonists on Venus.” I loved that metaphor. The way that you portrayed Shama was brilliant. I do have one question though… How did you come up with the names? They are a good touch to the story. Please email me back at 23hallie@gmail.com.
Hallie,
You are a good writer yourself. Thank you for your feedback. It’s high quality. I made up the name. Shama is a little bit like shame. I thought Shama might be ashamed of being from lowcity. Also, Shama is a little like the word shaman who in Indian culture was a magical healer. It is going to be Shama’s task to heal the divide between upcity and lowcity.
Thank you for your time and your kind words.
Have a great weekend! Andrea
When you said she cracked one eye, I think you should say she cracked one eye open. When Meez’s face turned red, maybe if you tried saying her face turned red in embarrassment it would give it depth.
Also i am reading Windows On The World and i love it. I think you are very good author. I cant wait to buy this book.
Thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot. Truly. When you write you are all alone, so it helps to have people share their reactions.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving! All the best, Andrea
I like this comment too. Keep them coming. Really appreciate the help. Keep reading and study hard.
Andrea
When you wrote Meez’s face turned red maybe you should write her face grew red with embarrassment to give it depth.
I like your comment. Thank you for the help! Keep reading and happy Thanksgiving! Andrea
Dear Mrs. White,
Your book is very good so far, but I’ve noticed a few errors and have a few suggestions. I noticed in chapter 1, paragraph 8 it says :
My head aches, she thought.
Shouldn’t there be quotation marks around My head aches since that’s what she was thinking?
Also in paragraph 13 in chapter 1, traveled in the last sentence doesn’t need to be capitalized. One more similar error I noticed was that in paragraph 24 in chapter 1, travel doesn’t have to be capitalized.
I hope these suggestions help.
I have a very vague feeling concerning the setting of this area, Ms. White. Do you think you could add a bit more to that? Also, right now, I understand that Shama is a bit light in the head, but maybe you should try and make that more “noticeable”. I personally think that it’s kind of hard to connect this part with the situation that Shama is in, especially since I didn’t read the first book.
Great work, Ms. White!
I like your comment. Thank you so much. I will go back and work on the setting. Good and perceptive work! Happy Thanksgiving. And thanks for your time.
Andrea
Dear Mrs.White,
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to type the 2nd comment. I accidentally hit submit. Just read the first one.
Dear Mrs. White,
I’ve noticed that in paragraph 8, chapter 1 it says: My head aches, she thought. Shouldn’t My head aches be in quotation marks since that’s what she was thinking? Also in paragraph 13, chapter 1, traveled in the last sentence shouldn’t be capitalized. Another similar error is in paragraph 24, chapter 1, travel shouldn’t be capitalized in the last sentence. I hope this helps and please reply soon. Thanks!
Thank you very much for your careful read. I really appreciate the help. Keep up the good work. Keep reading! And enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Andrea
I’ve been enjoying your book so far though I’ve gotten lost at some portions , but one thing that tugs me, is did you get inspiration for this book from your earlier book Windows of the World ? Answer soon.
Dear Mrs.White,
I noticed in paragraph three, the sentence says “I cracked one eye.”
Shouldn’t it have been, I cracked open one eye?
sorry i didn’t mean to send this one!
Dear Mrs.White,
In the 1st chapter of the 3rd paragraph i saw that the sentence said ” I cracked one eye.” I thought that was a little to literal so maybe you could add “open” after cracked in the sentence.
Thank you Sincerely,
Sharon John
hello?
Thanks Sharon. Good clarification. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am really enjoying the book, though one thing that tugs at me was did you get any inspiration for Time Angel from your earlier book Windows of the World?
Time Angel is a sequel to Windows on the world. Thanks for the read and for the question. Happy Thanksgiving! Andrea
This book is very good. I just wanted to say that I think instead of putting the word ”said” after what people have said, you should put more interesting words like confided, speculated, or surmised. After ”I’m sorry to tell you,” Bazel said. Instead of putting ”said” you could put quavered. I think that would be a good word.
Thanks for the suggestion…Will consider. Have a good evening and happy Thanksgiving. andrea
Hi Andrea White! I’m a student at FCMS and I loved reading this chapter. I noticed in paragraph 2 you said “Medtech Meez” while in the paragraph 7, you put “medtech Meez”. I’m pretty sure you were supposed to capitalize Medtech in the 7th paragraph. Thank you!
Great catch. Happy reading and have a great Thanksgiving! andrea